he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I am available for nakedness
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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