The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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