I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Randomize