i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
