there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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