So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
