Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
