So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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