Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize