so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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