remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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