o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize