**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
