Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
