I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
