Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
