you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I will pee on everything he values.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
