So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
What a dumb baby whore.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
