??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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