all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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