Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
