Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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