They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
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