I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
