I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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