Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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