Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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