She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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