There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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