I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
