You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
