guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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