Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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