Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
