I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
