I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
