Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I will pee on everything he values.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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