Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
