i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
we're chasing vodka with high fives
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
