Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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