i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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