Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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