this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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