I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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