My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
The uberlube is also flammable
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
