when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
