The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
now i know why i became what i already was.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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