I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
