I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
the liver wants what the liver wants
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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