theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
