we're chasing vodka with high fives
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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