I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
