My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
