I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize