so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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