listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
