Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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