last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
