Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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