At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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