I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I deserve this hangover.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
