We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
