Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
