How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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