There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
