Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
